Avoidance...perhaps

So, last week I had to cancel my counseling session because of last minute plans to go visit the family. I called 24 hours in advance to avoid a ridiculous late fee and promised the secretaries that I would indeed call back to reschedule.

Yeah - that's right. I canceled and I have yet to call back and make an appointment. Part of me just doesn't want to. I've been going for 2 months and I don't know what I get out of it - apart from having someone besides my husband to talk to about my nonsense - which is good, just not "$40 copay" good.

When we were first dating, my now-husband knew all about my eating issues - he knew all my "tells." Granted, I had warned him of the tale-tell signs of inner battle:
(1) I have stated at least once that I "shouldn't" have eaten "that".
(2) I wiggle in my seat a little bit and touch my stomach - as though I'm uncomfortable...but no real physical discomfort is happening.
(3) I excuse myself to the bathroom sometimes more than once - working up the courage to do the inevitable.
(4) I run water while I'm in the bathroom to cover up any sounds I might be making while throwing up.
(5) I wash my face and claim a stomachache upon my return.

Pardon the graphic set-up, but I'm getting to my point. When my husband became aware of everything going on - he kind of took on the role as my keeper. He would keep me accountable about what I ate and he would try and look for the "signs." God bless him. Unfortunately, this really became habit and 2 years later is followed us into our marriage.

So that you'll understand where I am coming from...my husband is the nicest, most wonderful, amazing man on the face of the planet. Most question why he chose me as his bride. I, myself, am not entirely sure, but I think he must have suffered a temporary lapse in judgment because I am all sorts of crazy. All this to say, if he did not like playing the role of food warden, he wouldn't say - especially if he felt I needed him in that capacity.

So, one of the first counseling sessions - my therapist asked me what my goals were. I told her. She said, "I think we should add something about freeing your husband from his current role." And I realized that selfishly, I had never thought of that. Did my husband mind being in that role? I came home the same day and told him the goals - including relieving him of his current duties - and he looked as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.

He hasn't said a thing to me since about what I eat, my behavior (although he does intervene when I say I'm not hungry at meal times), or my consistency in doing as prescribed by my therapist. So, no one is breathing down my back to reschedule this missed appointment.

I like that no one is responsible for my recovery except for me. It makes me realize that I'm strong, capable, and completely responsible for my actions. I can't be dependent upon or blame my condition on others. I can respect that. As I'm learning to respect my body for what it is capable of...I'm also learning to respect myself - and it has been years since I have done that.

Let's hear it for therapy, people! Now, I've got an appointment to make.