Angry Eating

If you know me well enough, chances are you know at least a couple of things: (1) I have an uncanny knack for unwittingly saying very inappropriate things in very inappropriate situations and (2) I can get angry. Bad temper is not as accurate a description as "wildly moody." I'll be talking about the latter defining characteristic today.

I've always thought that this was how God made me - overly sensitive, moody, easily angered - the proverbial thorn in my side. But the more I've talk about these things with my therapist (dissected is a more apt description), the more I realize - I am the product of both my own and others mistakes in "handling" me. God allowed it for a reason, no doubt - but the process is rather Pavlovian in nature.

All of these things, of course, in some way interact with my eating and therapy serves as the debriefing after the great experiment - the time during which the docs tell you the purpose of the project, as well give you a break down and analysis of your behaviors.

The other day, I was in therapy and began talking about how I was an emotional eater. Seriously, I don't just go for the pint of ice cream when I'm sad - I go for it all the time...emotional eating for me means "eating whenever I feel an emotion", which for a "wildly moody" person is pretty darn close to all the time. You're thinking, "No way." Ask the hubby. He was the one who picked up on it. Good day...get a reward. Bad day...get a pick-me-up. Sad day...get a comforting something or another that was probably high in both calories and fat. Unfortunately, I could go on.

Back to my therapist. She asked me if I let myself get angry - she then specifically refers to the PCOS situation. Did I ever let myself get angry? Hmmm. Well, yes and no. See I was upset, but not angry. I felt hurt and disappointed, but what was the point of getting angry over something I couldn't control (a rather mature response in my opinion). She then inquired as to how I expressed my anger as a child (God help us all). The short answer is...I got angry very quickly (the result of holding a lot of emotions in); I would be sent to my room where I would kick, scream, and yell; and finally a parent would come in when things quieted down, hug me, then we'd go get something soothing like hot chocolate. Then the lights finally came on.

My therapist then explains that emotional eating is the result of years of acting out this kind of process. Obviously, most people come to a point in life where it is unacceptable to kick, scream, and yell. So they, like me, simply skip over expressing their emotions and head to the food - the good stuff. She was right. I never really owned my emotions, so much as the bag of Cheetos. Fun stuff. I love therapy.

As painful as it was to see a personality trait broken down most accurately to Pavlov's dogs - I now recognize it. A little light shown in the darkness. It doesn't mean I'm better overnight. It definitely wasn't a cure all, but it's a start. I still find myself eating for the wrong reasons (at times), but most of the time I'm able to own my emotions, accept them, and move on. And I've got to admit that accepting hurt, anger, anxiety, etc. is so much more fulfilling than covering it up.