Two Steps Forward...One Back

This week I started working again. It was a busy weekend leading up to my first day of work - I was in the throes of home improvements, gave a tea for the ladies of the church, and had a house guest - all in a weekend.

Not once did I find myself worrying about food - or even how I looked.

Then it hit.

Monday evening I came home from work and began getting ready for an evening out with my husband. I decided I would get on the scale for a quick peak before I took my shower.

I got on the scale and it read low. I got off, got back on, and it read low again. I then yelled to my husband to get on the scale - so that we could compare. He got on. I asked him what the scale read for him...he was too smart for me.

"Why?"

"I think the scale might be off."

"Why?"

"I just need to know."

"Why?"

At this point it is best if I summarize by saying that screaming and crying ensued on my part. I couldn't fathom going out for our day before I knew if that scale had been correct or not. No amount of pleading on my part would persuade my husband to answer me...until I told him the truth.

"I have to know! It read 3 pounds light! 3 pounds! I need to know if I lost that...cause if I lost it, I can be happy and if I didn't lose it then I don't want to get my hopes up...I need to know what it says."

My husband smiled - kind of sweetly - He knew what was at the heart of it. He knew that my mind had twisted and perverted the numbers and the conditions into things that would control my emotions. He was keeping me accountable. He wanted me to confess....I was trying to avoid it by saying that the scale being correct was my primary motive.

Well, this forced confession was good for the soul and a great reminder no matter how well I think I'm doing....I can never let my guard down - concerning my mindset. I must be hyper vigilant.

The beastly thing that haunts me is ever over my shoulder and I have yet to elude it.