It's like being an addict.
It is being an addict, and while alcoholics have outgrown the taboo and become fully integrated into society, we, the recovering eating disordered, will sometimes receive a quiet shun when we openly speak about our rehabilitation. For example, when offered a drink a recovering alcoholic can politely say, "No thanks. I've been sober now for 2 months" with no fear of public humiliation. However, a person such as myself when offered a cupcake can't easily reply, "No thanks. I mean, really if I eat that I'm going to be overwrought with guilt and the desire to purge." It brings on some stares, people - I'm not gonna lie.
All this said, I haven't leaped from the wagon. I have had moments where the desire to purge has peeked into sight, but they have been few and easily squashed. I'm afraid, that I have now entered another extreme - the absolute absence of guilt where food is concerned. Most would say that this is a sign of recovery; surely it is for a season, however, health is health and balance is key. Guilt certainly should not play a role, but being conscientious will never go ill-rewarded when it is paired with a healthful mindset.
When is it okay for a recovering bulimic to watch what she eats or change her eating habits? Any mention of this is always met with knowing glares and panic from those who know us. When can I just be normal? Perhaps never, but I'm not going to give up.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am going to start a more healthy lifestyle...and yes, this healthy lifestyle might result in some weight loss - I'm not looking for weight loss, I'm looking for toning and building muscle. A back injury a few months ago brought my complete lack of fitness to my attention; and while the back injury is on the mend, I'm still hopelessly out of shape. Excuses immediately jump to my defense: I can't run anymore, I'm not a member of the gym, there's no time, etc. All these hold no water at all and just convince me of the hard and cold fact that I have never been more "disciplined" in my life than when I was bulimic. True discipline, of course, did not exist - oh, but the illusion of it was great.
Okay, enough waxing of the obvious. Here are my stats, my goal, and my plan. Comments, encouragement, and accountability are always welcome.
Current:
Height: 5'7.5" | Weight: 148 | BMI: 22.8 | Body Fat %: 25.2 | B/W/H: 39/30.5/40 |
Goal:
Weight 135| Body Fat %: 20-22 | B/W/H: 38/26/38
What I ate today:
Breakfast: 2 Doughnuts (This is why I need help, people!)
Lunch:
Dinner:
What I did today to burn off the above:
Nothing yet
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The Beast Returns
I have been having several bad body thoughts lately. I have no idea why - lest it be a result of holiday eating. The scale says that nothing has changed...weight is normal. So, now I just wait and see if these thoughts are simply the result of a heavy meal eaten or a lapse back into very bad habit.
It wouldn't surprise me that the thoughts have cropped up, since I haven't been thinking about it (my body or my eating) at all, the beast would find an opportune time to sneak back in. Very crafty. Guess I'll just have to nip it in the bud (take it out at the kneed) with some well-timed positive thinking.
Family Member at Christmas Celebration: "You are looking good?! Have you lost weight."
No, no I had not. I simply started wearing clothes that fit me...as opposed to 2 sizes too big.I weigh just as much now, if not less than I did when this comment was made. Also, I am a very hot woman.
Me - one; beast - zero.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Today is the Day
So, how do you tell about 100+ of your colleagues about your eating habits...and about how wacked out your mind actually is?
This morning I will be presenting to my fellow co-workers about my past year of self-reflection and discovery - specifically pertaining to the strides I have made in conquering my disordered eating.
I some how feel as though whatever I say will not jolt people enough...that I will fail to express just how serious eating disorders are, and that some jerk of a man will say something like..."she should have waited about 20 more pounds before getting help."
I work with the best group of people in the world and I have serious doubts that anything will happen. In fact, I know that awareness will be raised and that those I work with will now feel as though they have an on-campus resource...or an advocate.
As I look back on the past year I am very proud and thankful for all that has been accomplished, but I look forward knowing that there is SO much farther to go.
For those of you who have been reading...thanks for coming on my journey. This is by no means my last post....just some silly time of reflection before I take the next step by making all my secrets public.
Have a great day and know that you are beautiful.
This morning I will be presenting to my fellow co-workers about my past year of self-reflection and discovery - specifically pertaining to the strides I have made in conquering my disordered eating.
I some how feel as though whatever I say will not jolt people enough...that I will fail to express just how serious eating disorders are, and that some jerk of a man will say something like..."she should have waited about 20 more pounds before getting help."
I work with the best group of people in the world and I have serious doubts that anything will happen. In fact, I know that awareness will be raised and that those I work with will now feel as though they have an on-campus resource...or an advocate.
As I look back on the past year I am very proud and thankful for all that has been accomplished, but I look forward knowing that there is SO much farther to go.
For those of you who have been reading...thanks for coming on my journey. This is by no means my last post....just some silly time of reflection before I take the next step by making all my secrets public.
Have a great day and know that you are beautiful.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Dietary Changes
Okay, so the last post spoke of my contemplating a "diet." For folks in my place in life (meaning a past history of an eating disorder) mentioning this word is about as offensive as dropping the F-bomb in a room full of first graders.
By diet...or dietary changes, I merely am suggesting that I once again try to reign in sugar intake. I have had several months of a like free from all sugar sanctions and it's about time I imposed a little bit of well-meant rule.
So, I'm reinstating the sugar only 2x/month rule. If you think this is harsh and a relapse into old mindsets, you should know that I am insulin resistant (read previous posts) and that this was a medical suggestion and not just my own feeble way of controlling weight. I will continue to eat fruit and fruit juices....as they are unrefined sugars.
I'm really just blogging this so that those around me can keep me accountable. It's pretty funny. The day after I posted the "I'm selling myself to the circus" message, I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch (honestly, it was a Saturday, I forgot, and I ate a nice dinner) - my mom called and when I mentioned I hadn't eaten she got the suspicious tone....and I had to reassure her of my habits....the good ones.
It's good to have transparency....and it's awesome to have folks who are willing to hold you to it. That being said, don't everybody all at once start asking me if I've eaten that day, don't look at what I'm putting into my mouth, and don't concoct stories in your head about what I am or am not doing. I'll be straight with you....unless you annoy me, then I'll just punch you in the face with my giant elephant foot.
By diet...or dietary changes, I merely am suggesting that I once again try to reign in sugar intake. I have had several months of a like free from all sugar sanctions and it's about time I imposed a little bit of well-meant rule.
So, I'm reinstating the sugar only 2x/month rule. If you think this is harsh and a relapse into old mindsets, you should know that I am insulin resistant (read previous posts) and that this was a medical suggestion and not just my own feeble way of controlling weight. I will continue to eat fruit and fruit juices....as they are unrefined sugars.
I'm really just blogging this so that those around me can keep me accountable. It's pretty funny. The day after I posted the "I'm selling myself to the circus" message, I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch (honestly, it was a Saturday, I forgot, and I ate a nice dinner) - my mom called and when I mentioned I hadn't eaten she got the suspicious tone....and I had to reassure her of my habits....the good ones.
It's good to have transparency....and it's awesome to have folks who are willing to hold you to it. That being said, don't everybody all at once start asking me if I've eaten that day, don't look at what I'm putting into my mouth, and don't concoct stories in your head about what I am or am not doing. I'll be straight with you....unless you annoy me, then I'll just punch you in the face with my giant elephant foot.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Historical Battles
Many of you might remember being taught about the Battle of the Bulge. You have indeed been deceived. The battle of the bulge is not history. It is ongoing, it is current, and the results of this war can be seen everyday as tiny bulges peek out over my pants and under my bra.
I've gained 5 pounds.
This makes me about 15 pounds heavier than I was three years ago when I was first married....and no, there is no chance that it could be muscle. I'm pretty sure it's my husband constantly telling me that he loves me and how I'm beautiful as I stuff spoonfuls of lasagna into my mouth - that's right folks, I (+15lbs.) am what happens when husbands love their wives unconditionally.
But seriously. I know to what I can contribute this lengthy and weighty battle. Herniated disc + stopped running + the Holiday season + increased eating + bad weather + limited biking = unforgiving photographs that make me want to sell myself to the circus as a very talented elephant.
I'm sorry to try and make light of my profoundly screwed up mindset, but unfortunately all I can do at this point is laugh and hope that I have laughed first at myself before anyone has had the chance.
So, reflection upon the past year....I definitely have conquered some ridiculously skewed mindsets, I am completely comfortable with food (obviously), and I have (almost) overcome emotional eating. However, I find myself gone to the other extreme and 15 pounds heavier. Which isn't unhealthy, but, I'm pretty sure I could be healthier. So, I suppose the key here is balance, people.
Thoughts have crossed my mind about dieting again...but, what's the point? I'm just gonna keep eating what my body needs - what it really needs and not what it needs when all hope is lost and I'm having a bad day.
I've gained 5 pounds.
This makes me about 15 pounds heavier than I was three years ago when I was first married....and no, there is no chance that it could be muscle. I'm pretty sure it's my husband constantly telling me that he loves me and how I'm beautiful as I stuff spoonfuls of lasagna into my mouth - that's right folks, I (+15lbs.) am what happens when husbands love their wives unconditionally.
But seriously. I know to what I can contribute this lengthy and weighty battle. Herniated disc + stopped running + the Holiday season + increased eating + bad weather + limited biking = unforgiving photographs that make me want to sell myself to the circus as a very talented elephant.
I'm sorry to try and make light of my profoundly screwed up mindset, but unfortunately all I can do at this point is laugh and hope that I have laughed first at myself before anyone has had the chance.
So, reflection upon the past year....I definitely have conquered some ridiculously skewed mindsets, I am completely comfortable with food (obviously), and I have (almost) overcome emotional eating. However, I find myself gone to the other extreme and 15 pounds heavier. Which isn't unhealthy, but, I'm pretty sure I could be healthier. So, I suppose the key here is balance, people.
Thoughts have crossed my mind about dieting again...but, what's the point? I'm just gonna keep eating what my body needs - what it really needs and not what it needs when all hope is lost and I'm having a bad day.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The Holiday 5
Top 5 Crimes perpetrated by unsuspecting folk during the holidays:
5) Breaking workout routines due to travel, parties, get-togethers, and the false myth that Christmas shopping is a contact sport.
4) Eating 3 meals a day - each meal consisting of full-fat recipes and 10 courses.
3) Christmas cookies and cashew tins.
2) Taking hour long naps immediately following the consumption of 3 & 4.
1) The five pounds that found there way to me.
5) Breaking workout routines due to travel, parties, get-togethers, and the false myth that Christmas shopping is a contact sport.
4) Eating 3 meals a day - each meal consisting of full-fat recipes and 10 courses.
3) Christmas cookies and cashew tins.
2) Taking hour long naps immediately following the consumption of 3 & 4.
1) The five pounds that found there way to me.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
To eat, perchance to dine.
Our house has been in uproar as of late.
My sweet husband is in the middle of finals and last week I was diagnosed with a herniated disc. My doctor has forbidden all running and has made the suggestion that I find another mode of exercise (for the rest of my life) - this proves difficult as I coach cross country and sponsor a running club. So, tough week.
Well, last night I set off from work to hit up the grocery store and then, make my husband dinner. He had an exam yesterday and it's becoming increasingly frigid outside, so I needed to make dinner something warm, relaxing, and tasty. We've been playing around with vegetarian ways - so, I whipped up green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and whipped sweet potatoes.
I had so much fun cooking...and shopping for that matter. I used all of the real stuff. That's right Sharp cheddar cheese, butter, evaporated milk, full fat ricotta (for another recipe). Not once did I think about fat grams....well, I did think about how I could be eating a chocolate brownie instead of sipping on my glass of red wine...but the health benefits of red wine are far superior to those of a brownie, eh?
It was a lovely meal.
Tonight I am making spinach lasagna and we're going to finish off that bottle of wine.
Cheers!
My sweet husband is in the middle of finals and last week I was diagnosed with a herniated disc. My doctor has forbidden all running and has made the suggestion that I find another mode of exercise (for the rest of my life) - this proves difficult as I coach cross country and sponsor a running club. So, tough week.
Well, last night I set off from work to hit up the grocery store and then, make my husband dinner. He had an exam yesterday and it's becoming increasingly frigid outside, so I needed to make dinner something warm, relaxing, and tasty. We've been playing around with vegetarian ways - so, I whipped up green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and whipped sweet potatoes.
I had so much fun cooking...and shopping for that matter. I used all of the real stuff. That's right Sharp cheddar cheese, butter, evaporated milk, full fat ricotta (for another recipe). Not once did I think about fat grams....well, I did think about how I could be eating a chocolate brownie instead of sipping on my glass of red wine...but the health benefits of red wine are far superior to those of a brownie, eh?
It was a lovely meal.
Tonight I am making spinach lasagna and we're going to finish off that bottle of wine.
Cheers!
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