Temptation

Working at a middle school, temptation is everywhere. Now, I don't remember having such easy access to all sorts of food as a 7th grader, but let me assure you - teachers have a secret stash of their own treats.

Often times it's leftover doughnuts from this week's FCA meeting, the remnants of a child's birthday treat, or even a specialty item to celebrate the staff. Food is everywhere - and not just food...sweet, delicious, yumminess, that is covered in both icing and colored sprinkles.

Well, the other day it was one of my favorite student's birthdays - during break he made a point of giving me one of his "birthday cookies" that he brought for his grade. I took half a cookie - I ate it - It was tasty. Then, I find it is another student's birthday and that this child is offering cupcakes. I take one (yellow icing) and partake. It was yummy.

The rest of the day, I ate sensibly. I had my little mini-meals and my snacks, etc. I was drinking plenty of water - and for the most part I was at a good place. The day before I had met with my therapist and she recommended my coming in "as needed" instead of weekly (Exciting). Well, about 2 hours after the cupcake, I decided that the food must vacate the body.

I started thinking about drinking more water in order to enable a more leisurely vomit (I know it's a twisted thought process - that's why I'm writing this blog). I came to pretty quickly and called my husband. I told him of the overwhelming, compulsive need to vomit - and he said the coolest thing.

"What did you eat?"

"I ate a cookie...half a cookie...and a cupcake....a whole one...chocolate with yellow frosting...I need to throw-up."

"No baby, that food is good." "That's good food."

Health freaks, don't get up into arms. My husband surely wasn't advocating a diet of chocolate chip and frosting. He was simply reminding me that food is good. Even the "bad" food is good. I didn't eat 5 cupcakes - I ate 1. That one cupcake was good for my soul and perhaps, good for my body - in a way.

It was definitely a rough day - but I felt good at the end of it.

I didn't purge - 12 months going strong. I feel so good about it all.

One day at a time.

Two Steps Forward...One Back

This week I started working again. It was a busy weekend leading up to my first day of work - I was in the throes of home improvements, gave a tea for the ladies of the church, and had a house guest - all in a weekend.

Not once did I find myself worrying about food - or even how I looked.

Then it hit.

Monday evening I came home from work and began getting ready for an evening out with my husband. I decided I would get on the scale for a quick peak before I took my shower.

I got on the scale and it read low. I got off, got back on, and it read low again. I then yelled to my husband to get on the scale - so that we could compare. He got on. I asked him what the scale read for him...he was too smart for me.

"Why?"

"I think the scale might be off."

"Why?"

"I just need to know."

"Why?"

At this point it is best if I summarize by saying that screaming and crying ensued on my part. I couldn't fathom going out for our day before I knew if that scale had been correct or not. No amount of pleading on my part would persuade my husband to answer me...until I told him the truth.

"I have to know! It read 3 pounds light! 3 pounds! I need to know if I lost that...cause if I lost it, I can be happy and if I didn't lose it then I don't want to get my hopes up...I need to know what it says."

My husband smiled - kind of sweetly - He knew what was at the heart of it. He knew that my mind had twisted and perverted the numbers and the conditions into things that would control my emotions. He was keeping me accountable. He wanted me to confess....I was trying to avoid it by saying that the scale being correct was my primary motive.

Well, this forced confession was good for the soul and a great reminder no matter how well I think I'm doing....I can never let my guard down - concerning my mindset. I must be hyper vigilant.

The beastly thing that haunts me is ever over my shoulder and I have yet to elude it.