Today is the Day

So, how do you tell about 100+ of your colleagues about your eating habits...and about how wacked out your mind actually is?

This morning I will be presenting to my fellow co-workers about my past year of self-reflection and discovery - specifically pertaining to the strides I have made in conquering my disordered eating.

I some how feel as though whatever I say will not jolt people enough...that I will fail to express just how serious eating disorders are, and that some jerk of a man will say something like..."she should have waited about 20 more pounds before getting help."

I work with the best group of people in the world and I have serious doubts that anything will happen. In fact, I know that awareness will be raised and that those I work with will now feel as though they have an on-campus resource...or an advocate.

As I look back on the past year I am very proud and thankful for all that has been accomplished, but I look forward knowing that there is SO much farther to go.

For those of you who have been reading...thanks for coming on my journey. This is by no means my last post....just some silly time of reflection before I take the next step by making all my secrets public.

Have a great day and know that you are beautiful.

Dietary Changes

Okay, so the last post spoke of my contemplating a "diet." For folks in my place in life (meaning a past history of an eating disorder) mentioning this word is about as offensive as dropping the F-bomb in a room full of first graders.

By diet...or dietary changes, I merely am suggesting that I once again try to reign in sugar intake. I have had several months of a like free from all sugar sanctions and it's about time I imposed a little bit of well-meant rule.

So, I'm reinstating the sugar only 2x/month rule. If you think this is harsh and a relapse into old mindsets, you should know that I am insulin resistant (read previous posts) and that this was a medical suggestion and not just my own feeble way of controlling weight. I will continue to eat fruit and fruit juices....as they are unrefined sugars.

I'm really just blogging this so that those around me can keep me accountable. It's pretty funny. The day after I posted the "I'm selling myself to the circus" message, I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch (honestly, it was a Saturday, I forgot, and I ate a nice dinner) - my mom called and when I mentioned I hadn't eaten she got the suspicious tone....and I had to reassure her of my habits....the good ones.

It's good to have transparency....and it's awesome to have folks who are willing to hold you to it. That being said, don't everybody all at once start asking me if I've eaten that day, don't look at what I'm putting into my mouth, and don't concoct stories in your head about what I am or am not doing. I'll be straight with you....unless you annoy me, then I'll just punch you in the face with my giant elephant foot.

Historical Battles

Many of you might remember being taught about the Battle of the Bulge. You have indeed been deceived. The battle of the bulge is not history. It is ongoing, it is current, and the results of this war can be seen everyday as tiny bulges peek out over my pants and under my bra.

I've gained 5 pounds.

This makes me about 15 pounds heavier than I was three years ago when I was first married....and no, there is no chance that it could be muscle. I'm pretty sure it's my husband constantly telling me that he loves me and how I'm beautiful as I stuff spoonfuls of lasagna into my mouth - that's right folks, I (+15lbs.) am what happens when husbands love their wives unconditionally.

But seriously. I know to what I can contribute this lengthy and weighty battle. Herniated disc + stopped running + the Holiday season + increased eating + bad weather + limited biking = unforgiving photographs that make me want to sell myself to the circus as a very talented elephant.

I'm sorry to try and make light of my profoundly screwed up mindset, but unfortunately all I can do at this point is laugh and hope that I have laughed first at myself before anyone has had the chance.

So, reflection upon the past year....I definitely have conquered some ridiculously skewed mindsets, I am completely comfortable with food (obviously), and I have (almost) overcome emotional eating. However, I find myself gone to the other extreme and 15 pounds heavier. Which isn't unhealthy, but, I'm pretty sure I could be healthier. So, I suppose the key here is balance, people.

Thoughts have crossed my mind about dieting again...but, what's the point? I'm just gonna keep eating what my body needs - what it really needs and not what it needs when all hope is lost and I'm having a bad day.

The Holiday 5

Top 5 Crimes perpetrated by unsuspecting folk during the holidays:

5) Breaking workout routines due to travel, parties, get-togethers, and the false myth that Christmas shopping is a contact sport.

4) Eating 3 meals a day - each meal consisting of full-fat recipes and 10 courses.

3) Christmas cookies and cashew tins.

2) Taking hour long naps immediately following the consumption of 3 & 4.

1) The five pounds that found there way to me.

To eat, perchance to dine.

Our house has been in uproar as of late.


My sweet husband is in the middle of finals and last week I was diagnosed with a herniated disc. My doctor has forbidden all running and has made the suggestion that I find another mode of exercise (for the rest of my life) - this proves difficult as I coach cross country and sponsor a running club. So, tough week.

Well, last night I set off from work to hit up the grocery store and then, make my husband dinner. He had an exam yesterday and it's becoming increasingly frigid outside, so I needed to make dinner something warm, relaxing, and tasty. We've been playing around with vegetarian ways - so, I whipped up green bean casserole, macaroni and cheese, and whipped sweet potatoes.

I had so much fun cooking...and shopping for that matter. I used all of the real stuff. That's right Sharp cheddar cheese, butter, evaporated milk, full fat ricotta (for another recipe). Not once did I think about fat grams....well, I did think about how I could be eating a chocolate brownie instead of sipping on my glass of red wine...but the health benefits of red wine are far superior to those of a brownie, eh?

It was a lovely meal.

Tonight I am making spinach lasagna and we're going to finish off that bottle of wine.

Cheers!

For the 1st time ever....potatoes didn't make it better

Sorry to all for the hiatus. I seem to apologize for those quite a bit. Life has been busy. So busy, in fact, that I have not even thought about what I've been eating...except for a brief stint in vegetarian cuisine that my husband and I are trying to undertake. I heart vegetables.

Well, I had a bad day today. I woke up sore (from nothing, I've just started waking up sore) and completely unwilling to go to work. Things escalated from there. Long story short, I ended up in my office tearing up and determined that for lunch I was going to have some form of fried potatoes that would make it all better. Comfort eater...gotta love it.

This is the first time in a while that I've knowingly gone for the comfort food in an effort to improve my spirits.

The funny thing is that by lunch time I was feeling better, issues had been resolved, and I was perfectly satisfied with my PBJ on organic whole wheat. But, I wanted those potatoes. It was settled in my mind that they were indeed the source of all happiness and nothing, come hell or high water, was going to stop me from partaking.

So, I ate some tater tots from the cafeteria. Oily, gross, full of chemical grossness tater tots. They didn't make me feel better. They made me feel horrible. They are currently residing in my stomach - planted and unmoving like a fat man at an all you can eat seafood buffet.

Good Lesson for the emotional eater and guilt purger that I am (not that I've purged in over a year and a half) - score.

Sorry for the hiatus

Life got busy.

But good.

I'm back to work and surprisingly, less focused on everything else...including food. I've been slowly implementing advice from the nutritionist, I have not been restricting any sweets, and I'm doing great. I've been running lots and feeling really good about my body. I've even lost some weight - not much. I think my body is just changing shape because I'm feeling really good about what my body is capable of doing!

I'm doing good. I'll write more later.