Still Recovering

It's like being an addict.

It is being an addict, and while alcoholics have outgrown the taboo and become fully integrated into society, we, the recovering eating disordered, will sometimes receive a quiet shun when we openly speak about our rehabilitation. For example, when offered a drink a recovering alcoholic can politely say, "No thanks. I've been sober now for 2 months" with no fear of public humiliation. However, a person such as myself when offered a cupcake can't easily reply, "No thanks. I mean, really if I eat that I'm going to be overwrought with guilt and the desire to purge." It brings on some stares, people - I'm not gonna lie.

All this said, I haven't leaped from the wagon. I have had moments where the desire to purge has peeked into sight, but they have been few and easily squashed. I'm afraid, that I have now entered another extreme - the absolute absence of guilt where food is concerned. Most would say that this is a sign of recovery; surely it is for a season, however, health is health and balance is key. Guilt certainly should not play a role, but being conscientious will never go ill-rewarded when it is paired with a healthful mindset.

When is it okay for a recovering bulimic to watch what she eats or change her eating habits? Any mention of this is always met with knowing glares and panic from those who know us. When can I just be normal? Perhaps never, but I'm not going to give up.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am going to start a more healthy lifestyle...and yes, this healthy lifestyle might result in some weight loss - I'm not looking for weight loss, I'm looking for toning and building muscle. A back injury a few months ago brought my complete lack of fitness to my attention; and while the back injury is on the mend, I'm still hopelessly out of shape. Excuses immediately jump to my defense: I can't run anymore, I'm not a member of the gym, there's no time, etc. All these hold no water at all and just convince me of the hard and cold fact that I have never been more "disciplined" in my life than when I was bulimic. True discipline, of course, did not exist - oh, but the illusion of it was great.

Okay, enough waxing of the obvious. Here are my stats, my goal, and my plan. Comments, encouragement, and accountability are always welcome.

Current:
Height: 5'7.5" | Weight: 148 | BMI: 22.8 | Body Fat %: 25.2 | B/W/H: 39/30.5/40 |

Goal:
Weight 135| Body Fat %: 20-22 | B/W/H: 38/26/38

What I ate today:
Breakfast: 2 Doughnuts (This is why I need help, people!)
Lunch:
Dinner:

What I did today to burn off the above:
Nothing yet

The Beast Returns

I have been having several bad body thoughts lately. I have no idea why - lest it be a result of holiday eating. The scale says that nothing has changed...weight is normal. So, now I just wait and see if these thoughts are simply the result of a heavy meal eaten or a lapse back into  very bad habit. 

It wouldn't surprise me that the thoughts have cropped up, since I haven't been thinking about it (my body or my eating) at all, the beast would find an opportune time to sneak back in. Very crafty. Guess I'll just have to nip it in the bud (take it out at the kneed) with some well-timed positive thinking.

Family Member at Christmas Celebration: "You are looking good?! Have you lost weight." 

No, no I had not. I simply started wearing clothes that fit me...as opposed to 2 sizes too big.I weigh just as much now, if not less than I did when this comment was made.  Also, I am a very hot woman. 

Me - one; beast - zero.